Emotional Hunger and Finding Nourishment

I've worked with many people who eat healthy meals and yet still struggle with their weight. It's the times when they are not actually hungry that is a problem. Eating for reasons other than hunger is challenging; it is subtle and not very responsive to logic or knowledge. I've come to realize that to change how we use food - especially when not hungry - we need to look at nourishment in a broader sense.

Sandra felt like she was filling a black hole: no matter what she ate, it wasn't enough. She'd start with fruits and nuts, and then progress to cookies or chips. Those helped - at first. But then she'd be looking for more. Her eating felt out of control and yet she still felt empty and unsatisfied.

When we think of nourishment, we usually think of food. It is easy to forget that food is only one form of nourishment. Often what we need the most has no calories at all - because it isn't food. At those times it doesn't matter what or how much we eat, it will never be enough. Food isn't the nourishment we seek.

In her book "Eating by the Light of the Moon," author Anita Johnston uses a great example to describe the different kinds of hunger. She suggests imagining that you have two different tanks inside of you. One is for physical hunger and you fill that one with food. The other tank is for emotional hunger and you fill that with the activities that feed your soul.

I find this a helpful visual. Most of us just think of hunger as hunger and we feed it with food. As long as we do this, like Sandra, we continue to eat when we are not hungry and wonder why we never feel satisfied. Once we understand we are using the wrong fuel, we have other choices.

No amount of food will fill emotional hunger. In fact the food is a red herring. Sandra thought it was about the food and that she was just just out of control, unmotivated, lacking will power: that something must be wrong with her. But that was not it at all. It is just that she was automatically filling her tank with food when what she craved was a different kind of nourishment.

Let me define what I mean by "emotional hunger." It can refer to emotions like happiness, sadness, loneliness, anger, frustration, or anxiety. It also includes feelings we may not typically think of as emotional, such as boredom, restlessness, fatigue, and unease. Emotional eating is a general term used for eating for reasons other than hunger. It is a useful concept even if you are not "emotional."

How do we fill our emotional hunger tank? Sandra discovered that she was nourished by reading and sitting in her garden. Also, instead of thinking of playing with her dog as one more thing to do when she got home from work, she let that time nourish her by being intentional about it and consciously relaxing and enjoying it.

Anita loves being with people, and when she shifted her focus from getting stuff done to really enjoying the human contact in her groups and meetings, she felt more nourished. Eric gives his time and attention to others all day long and what he really longs for is time to himself - his time at the gym became "Eric time".

Sandra, Anita and Eric were all using food in an unconscious way and then feeling frustrated with their lack of control. Once they became aware, they could separate their two tanks: physical hunger and emotional hunger. Instead of automatically eating, they were able to find other ways to nourish themselves.

Most of us lead busy lives that are filled with activities, deadlines and commitments. Even when it is stuff we enjoy, if all of our attention is on others or getting it done, we may not be filled by it. Even the good things in life, when it is just one more task, can drain us.

We are nourished by the things that replenish us. The same activities that are draining might be filling when we focus on the pleasure of the activity and tune in to how it fills us. We need to be aware and consciously refill our emotional hunger tank.

What, besides food, nourishes you? I think this is one of the most important questions you can ask yourself. What are you hungry for? Is your hunger physical or emotional? Keep asking the questions. It will help you use the right fuel and be more satisfied. It will help you enjoy what you eat more, and enjoy your life more.

That is what Sandra found. When she remembers to tune in, she recognizes emotional hunger as a reminder to slow down and pay attention to her own needs. When she uses hunger as a signal, instead of a feed-me command, she can take care of herself in more satisfying ways. She has peace of mind now that she doesn't feel so out-of-control with food.